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Random Thoughts

tag1114 | 05 August, 2008 20:08

Some thoughts running through my mind at the moment.....

1. I'll miss my kids when they go back to school. What I won't miss is all the bickering.

2. I'm a lucky mom with 2 loving kids that WANT to take care of me.

3. Being sick is yucky.

4. It's too hot to go to an amusement park.

5. I hope I always put others needs ahead of my own.

6. My 10 year old made some darn good turkey/spinach "burgers". YUMMY!

7. I love reading other people's blogs, what they did that day, what they had for dinner, what they're thinking.

8. Does #7 make me crazy? LOL

9. I'm spoiled.

10. I have the best parents in the world.

11. Ice cream is wonderful. I've always liked ice cream but this summer ice cream has become my friend!!

12. My waist line does NOT like ice cream so much.

13. I wish I still had time and desire to do consignment sales. I really made good money and have plenty of clothes to put in one. Maybe I'm lazy.

14. I can't believe I get excited over lower gas prices.

15. Guinea pigs have to be the best pets ever!

16. Some days, life is hard and I wish it wasn't. Other days, life is good and I'm glad it is.

17. Summer is almost over and while I won't miss the suffocating hot days, I will miss the summer schedule.

18. My girls register for school on Friday and we're anxious to find out who M's teacher will be.

19. I need to clean house. It looks like a natural disaster right now.

20. I'm glad to have the life I have.

So Quiet

tag1114 | 26 July, 2008 21:54

Things around our house have settled down just a little and it's all so quiet for now. We've survived the first few days out of school, sleepovers, birthdays, trips to Chuck E. Cheese and Build a Bear, the mall and too many fast food places to mention. We've played games, put puzzles together, watched TV and movies, went swimming, played outside and let our imaginations run wild. And now, without being bored, we're just quiet. I think the reality of school starting in a little over 2 weeks is hitting us hard. We're simply not ready. It seems as though our summer break just started. Where did it all go? My girls have a sad look on their face when they think of school and that makes this mom sad too. Buying school supplies, backpacks, new shoes and a first day of school outfit is a tiny bit exciting but yet those long faces linger on.

Tuesday we're going to a small amusement park/water park close to our home. It'll likely be our last outing before school begins. We do have a paid for trip to Chuck E. Cheese's and we might try to get there again before school starts or maybe we'll save it for a pick me up weekend after school starts. But for the next two weeks, my girls and I will be busy enjoying one another, I hope. In many ways, I'm ready for school to begin. I like a little structure, a little peace during the day and the different pace that the school schedule brings. But I will miss my girls terribly. As much as they pick at each other and fuss with each other, they bring me so much delight. We laugh and act silly and even have enjoyable serious moments.

Summer, you've come and gone too quickly. Your hot temperatures will continue on for a while but my girls will be too busy doing homework and worrying about school activities to notice your presence. I guess I'll have to sit back and wait for my favorite season, Fall. All the while, wishing you, Summer, were still around just so I could enjoy that laid back summer schedule with 2 of my favorite people.

So the next two weeks in my house will be ...... QUIET. Just quiet as we soak up the last few days of relaxed schedules, lazy days, long nights and a little too much ice cream. I'll be back to my 5:30 morning awakenings(6:30 for my girls). We'll be back to rushed mornings, packing lunches, brushing hair and teeth, tying shoes and grabbing backpacks before heading out the door. We'll have afternoons filled with homework, lots of whining, stories of what teachers said and what kids at school have done that day. Nights will end earlier and yet days will be longer as there's much more to do. So for now, I'm going to turn off the computer, the TV and all the lights and find my beautiful daughter(my oldest because my youngest is with her dad tonight)and spend some girl time with her. And we'll find the house is all too quiet, just as it will be for me on that first day of school.

Enjoy the quiet times in your life~~

Ever Have One of Those Days?

tag1114 | 13 July, 2008 19:20

One of those days where you should have stayed in bed and if you'd of known, you'd never have gotten out of bed? Yes, today has kind of been one of those days. Give me a minute and let me vent, complain and then I'll learn to be appreciative!

First, today was the day we were going to Chuck E. Cheese's to celebrate my youngest daughter's birthday. No party, nothing fancy, just my 2 daughters and myself. We decided to go early because it's less crowded and more enjoyable. We got up, got ready and everything's going good. (see, after a bad day, I have a way of going back and trying to figure out exactly WHEN the day went wrong) We walk into CECs and wait and wait and wait....there's not an employee in sight. And of course you have to wait to get your hand stamped, you can't just go in. Finally, an employee walks in from outside carrying his Kroger bag. Hmmm...were they out of food? Or was he carrying in his lunch? I don't know but he throws his bags down and acts like he's been there the whole time. So I must ask him if he's the only one working. His reply: "no, they're back there, I guess". OK. So I proceed to explain that we had waited about 10 minutes and no one knew we were there. I get a blank stare. OK. Finally as he unhooks the gate so we can go in, he says "sorry 'bout that". Not a good start but hey, we're there to have fun and this won't ruin our day. We get tokens, order pizza(yes for BREAKFAST) and play for quite a while and then eat and play some more. I decided to buy some more tokens, using a coupon I had printed off of the CEC website. The cashier tells me that they can't use those because there's not an expiration date on them. OK. But I printed them off of your website just a few days ago. She shrugs her shoulders, looks at the boy putting the salad out and asks him if she should take them. He shrugs his shoulders(is this a problem that happens after you sniff too much pizza dough?), looks at the girls like "who cares" and she asks him again. He goes through the entire same motions. I said "never mind, I won't be buying anything else". I had already spent almost $50 and all I wanted was a few more tokens without having to take out a second mortgage, you know? I went back and ask for the manager. The girl looks at me with a half smile and says "ok but it'll be a minute. <long pause> He walked down to Circuit City". OK. I laugh because I felt like I had landed at some hillbilly circus. I sit and wait and wait and wait as my kids play games, finishing up their tokens. Finally, some sleepy headed younger guy looks at me and walks over to me, no smile, no hello, NOTHING. I proceed to tell him the same story I just told here. No one to check us in. He very hatefully says "what time did you get here because I've been here the whole morning?" I really thought I would laugh and be a true smart a$$ and say "oh really? You've been here? But no you weren't here when you were at Circuit City, right?????" No, I didn't say anything to him because I knew that would only confuse him. I told him what time we arrived and that I thought everyone was probably in the kitchen. To that, do you know what he said? You want to know? You ready? He says "well, yeah, what do you expect we need to get food ready for people to buy". OK, you are kidding me, right? Now, I'm getting pissed and say "what I expect is for you to have at least 1 employee out here to check your guests in so that we may buy that food you're back there preparing or at least to have a camera in the kitchen so that you can see the guests coming in and come check them in so that we may give you our business". He looked at me like I was some witch on Halloween night. But he gives me no response, which was probably for the best. I then proceed to complain about my coupon, which he grabs from my hand and says "it has no expiration date, I can't help you". Again, I make my case that I printed it from the official CEC website. But it's ok because corporate needs to know about his attitude and inability to manage. He says "it's a corporate rule so I can't do anything." I say "good, all the more reason for me to call corporate and tell them that if they're going to provide coupons, they should at least allow the stores to accept them, don't you think". He looks at me crazy again and I really thought he's probably start growling at me at any moment. He starts to walk off and I say "oh yeah and you may want to tell your employees that it's rude to stand and talk about a customer as they did while you were at Circuit City". He shrugs his shoulders(I am NOT kidding you)and says "I know nothing about that". I said "doesn't matter because their attitudes are just like yours and you don't care so why would they?". At that point, another lady asks him when this coupon rule started because she said she always uses coupons she prints except today because they would not except them. I told her not to ask him because he has no good answers and they're all rude there anyway. She laughs and I gather my kids, their receipts for their tickets and the few tokens they had left and we LEFT. My kids saw how rude the manager was and they were not interested in staying any longer. SAD. You know, CEC's is not a cheap place but it's fun, normally, and considering you get food, drinks, entertainment and prizes, I don't mind going from time to time. I always use coupons though because it's much more affordable and well, I'm frugal. I like to get more for my money. And I would have accepted the coupon rule, never said a word, though I do think it's crazy because those coupons are from the website...but I would have just rolled my eyes and said "oh well". But the rudeness, the attitudes of the employees and manager, the lack of service and customer service that wasn't...it was all too much. I hate it for my daughter, it almost ruined her day but she recovered, LOL!

THEN.....I take her to an area mall to Build a Bear to use her gift card she received for her birthday. On the way there, my car just does not feel right but I thought it was the road, since the roads here are awful. We were only a couple of miles from the mall when the car acted strange anyway. So we go along, go to Bath and Body Works for my oldest daughter who had a coupon for free lotion(she's a BBWs addict like me). We then go to Build a Bear(excellent customer service there) and back to Limited Too for my oldest daughter to use her gift cards from her birthday. She shopped, shopped and shopped and saved tons of money and bought lots of things. So here we go, back through to mall carrying, 2 cardboard "houses" for the bears, a bag from BBW and 2 HUGE bags from Limited Too. We get to the car and what do you know...a flat tire.....yes, that funny feeling was NOT the road but rather my flat tire. Lovely! I called a couple of people who were not home and finally relied on dear old dad to bail me out. My girls and I went back inside to wait for a while and then came back to the car. The entire time we waited, there was 1 person that offered to help and that was after my dad was there. But, it was a sincere gesture of kindness and much appreciated. One man, pulled up before my dad arrived, his wife rolled down the window to ask if I was moving and I said "no, I have a flat tire". That man left so quickly his tires squealed but he managed to say "oh no, god love ya". OK. Maybe he thought I would ask him to help.

I said when I began this that I would vent, complain and then be appreciative. Though today had it's bad moments and trying times and times when I felt like I wanted to cry, I came home to a cool home with 2 beautiful girls, water, electricity, food and a home filled with LOVE. I then began to think about a family I don't even know but have been following their journey on a blog. The husband was diagnosed with a form of leukemia a few months ago. He received treatment and after the 2nd round of treatment went into remission. Though I cannot recall all the details, suffice it to say that he became very ill not so long ago with pneumonia and couldn't go further with treatment until the pneumonia was gone. He passed away yesterday. He had a wife and 3 very young kids. This story broke my heart. I know there's stories like this every day. And oddly enough, I don't know them but still feel their pain. I am human after all and I cannot imagine how his wife and family must be feeling. It put my minor problems of today into perspective. It made me thankful to only be facing a flat tire and rude managers. It made me realize that I can still hug my mom, dad, friends and kids. It made me think about how quickly life can change and how I need to not let minor problems interfere with my enjoyment of life and love. So read my story of today, shake your head or laugh or feel my frustrations but most of all just know that it's nothing compared to what many people are dealing with.

On a positive note: I'm off to watch Big Brother 10!!!

The Bachelorette

tag1114 | 07 July, 2008 20:04

So I do a lot of "heavy" blogs and tonight I felt it was time to lighten it up a bit.

I'm waiting on the finale of The Bachelorette. I love reality TV shows, all types on all channels. I remember many years ago watching The Real World on MTV and loving it and wondering why there wasn't more shows like that on TV. I have no idea why I'm so attracted to reality shows but I am. I'm addicted.

If it's a competition type reality show, I find myself rooting for the underdog, the less than perfect looking guy, the open and honest one. Of course, then I must wonder if that's just how they are for the show. And I also wonder how much is real and how much is "made for TV".

Is anyone else as addicted to reality shows as I am? I've noticed my oldest daughter really likes some of these shows too. My youngest isn't as much into them, she's still in kids shows like Suite Life of Zach and Cody, Hannah Montana, That's So Raven and those popular shows.

Back to The Bachelorette, who's going to win tonight? I saw the show last week and DeAnna said she is engaged and the preview tonight said both men ask her to marry them...hmmm.....ok. Well, I'll know in a little while because off I go to watch!

Happy Birthday!

tag1114 | 23 June, 2008 14:15

Happy 10th birthday to my oldest daughter! You were born at 11:22 p.m. on this day. I hope your day is special.

Thank you, Ms. T for giving me the best 10 years of my life. I look forward to celebrating many more birthdays with you. Enjoy every day of being 10. I love you!

The Umbrella of Friendship

tag1114 | 05 June, 2008 21:49

My best friend for the past few years has weathered my storms of divorce with me with grace and true kindness. When I suspected my ex of cheating, she said "give me his license plate number and I'm going to see if he's where you think he is". She sat with me for 6 hours one cold Friday night outside of an apartment after finding his vehicle there to watch him come out just so I could prove that I knew what I was talking about, just so my ex could no longer lie to me and just so I wouldn't feel crazy anymore! Yes, she is that kind of friend. All of that to say.....she called me Sunday to tell me that her husband was moving out. They'd had some problems and she had claimed to want a divorce many times in the past but it's hard to go through with such a thing until you have to. She suspected he had a girlfriend but he denied it. She was ready to end the marriage anyway, she needed to do this. Yesterday morning at 6:00 my phone rang. It was her....he finally confessed he had a girlfriend. My friend was a mess, angry, sad, mad, all the emotions you feel when something like this happens. It doesn't matter if you knew in your heart, if you had suspected this all along or not....it doesn't matter until the proof is there and that's when the emotions flood your heart. She had watched me go through this, she had talked me through those long nights, she had made multiple trips out looking for my ex before we finally nailed him, she worried for me and with me, she listened to me, laughed with me and just held the umbrella when life was raining on my parade. And then to have the same thing happen.....it makes a person no more prepared to handle it. I certainly hope I can stand by her as she did for me. I hope in some small way, I can make her feel better when she needs it most. I did give her the number of the best lawyer in our area! Seriously, she will be OK. She will survive and be a better, stronger, more independant woman. But it still hurts like hell. And before that rainbow appears, there will be many days of rain. It's my turn to hold the umbrella for her.

Let the Fun Begin

tag1114 | 31 May, 2008 18:46

My daughters have been out of school for about a week and a half now. And there's yet to be a dull moment though sometimes I wish I could find one. Much of the happenings haven't been pleasant either. The last day of school went well, I attended the awards day at school and off my daughters and I went to start our summer break. All was good until that night when my youngest, who seldom complains about anything, said she didn't feel good. She had a sore throat and said her stomach hurt. Sure enough, she had caught whatever bug/virus was going around. She had a severe sore throat for a couple of days, a headache and stomach ache. But she recovered and everything was good. On Monday, Labor Day, my parents took my daughters to the pet store to get another guinea pig to accompany the one my youngest daughter had picked out a couple of weeks earlier. We welcomed Daisy into our family that day. She joined Gigi in her cage. We had gotten Gigi on May 10th. Two days after Daisy joined Gigi, we came home from karate to find Gigi dead. We were all just devastated. We had only had her 18 days but were quite attached to her. This was my youngest daughters first pet that was all hers. She picked her out, took care of her and all. So she began blaming herself, that she must have done something wrong. It was terrible. Such a sad night. I called the pet store, who has a 14 day guarantee and they agreed to replace our beloved Gigi. Now, as those with pets know, there is no replacing an animal. But my daughter agreed she wanted another guinea pig, so we brought Lily home Thursday, May 29th. She has joined Daisy now. And we still have Peanut, our 1 year old guinea pig, who is a true diva. Our princess. Last night(Friday, May 30), Peanut begans acting strange, tilting her head and not being herself. She did the head tilting about a month after we got her last year. We read it could be an ear infection, took her to the vet last year, to be told she was fine and probably had a little dirt in her ear. I hoped the same was true this time as we couldn't emotionally handle another loss, especially this baby girl. This morning, she was no better, I called the vet's office and the vets that see guinea pigs or exotics as they call them, wasn't in and they referred me to another office. That office was booked to the max but I could come on in, they would fit me in but I may be waiting for hours. Fine, whatever it takes. It was almost 10 by then and they were only open to 12 so I wouldn't have to wait more than a couple of hours. So we took our Peanut in to be told it appears to be ok, she doesn't seem to have an infection or anything serious and the vet recommended we take some ear drops for her and give that a try first and if she doesn't get better within a week, we'll try oral antibiotics. She still isn't herself, she just doesn't feel good, she lays her sweet little head down and looks sad and pitiful. It's breaking my heart. Oh and did I mention that Thursday afternoon my oldest daughter began feeling bad....YEP....she now has the bug/virus that my youngest had. Only my oldest has it worse. She's throwing up and is having a harder time kicking this thing.

Yes, summer break is here....FUN? Not yet....but it will be. We're going to get every person and animal in this house healthy and well and then we're going to enjoy the heat and humidity that is summer in Tennessee!

Just My Thoughts

tag1114 | 14 May, 2008 15:52

I have something on my mind and really I'm not sure whether to discuss this with my friend or just write about it and be done with it. Am I taking something that has nothing to do with me too personally?

As some may know, I was divorced in September 07. Several months prior to that I found out my then husband of 20 years was cheating on me. Our marriage was never perfect. WE married young, had financial woes for the first few years but worked hard and dug our way out of the hole. We were always very different people with very different needs. But we were in love, at least for part of our marriage. After our first daughter was born, my priorities and focus changed. His did not. And then along came our second daughter. Life was busy and ever changing. We really grew apart and grew out of love somehow. I knew things weren't going great but we didn't argue or fuss, we simply lived separate lives. Anyway, in my opinion, he should have left before he cheated. I guess that's the fantasy thinker in me. Regardless of the fact that we weren't in love and lived separate lives, finding your spouse cheating is difficult. Divorce is difficult. It's hard on everyone, especially the children. My best friend was with me the night I found my then husband cheating. She knows what kind of pain I went through. She knows the betrayal I felt. And yet now, a year and a half later, she's involving herself with a married man. I just don't get it. She claims not to like him but she also drops hints about meeting him for lunch. My friend is married also but living in a loveless, disrespectful relationship. She claims to be doing this to get back at her husband. I love this girl too death. But her actions could lead to serious problems for herself, her children, his children and both of their families. You see, cheating, taking something(someone)that doesn't belong to you, hurts more than just the cheaters and those being cheated on. It hurts parents, kids, friends, everyone. She knows that. And in some strange way, I feel betrayed by her. I really have mixed emotions on all of this. It's none of my business.....it's not directly affecting my life.....she's been there for me through everything.....I want to be there for her but can't support this decision. I feel like a bad friend and yet I simply can't agree that this ok in any way. She says the man doesn't love his wife, he stays with her because she's the money maker in the family. To me, it doesn't matter....it's wrong....it's hurtful, it's deceptive, it will ruin someone's life. It may ruin many lives. If it doesn't ruin at least one life, it will hurt many. It's not ok to hurt anyone, whether you like them or not. Yes, she knows his wife. They went to church together for a while. She says she doesn't like her either because she controls him and is degrading to him. And she's bitchy to others. It's still not ok.

So am I taking this too personally? Should I forget about it, let her do what she wants and support her regardless of how it all turns out? Do I tell her how I feel and chance losing a friend? I hope time will lead me to the right decision. I hope that whatever happens, no one gets hurt. I can hang on to hope, right? I'm sure she'd say her personal decision with this man is not related to our friendship. And in one way she's right. But when you're as close as we are and share details like we do, I can't help but feel affected by it. Life.....so difficult sometimes.

Mother's Day

tag1114 | 12 May, 2008 13:36

Yesterday was Mother's Day and while my kids didn't think the gift they gave me was very good, I thought it was wonderful. You see, they were suppose to go shopping with their dad on Saturday to get a gift for Mother's Day, spend the night with him and come home Sunday morning. They ask if they could just spend the whole weekend with me and their dad agreed and said since they weren't going to stay with him, he wasn't taking them shopping. Mature for a 41 year old, eh? What he must not realize is that gifts aren't necessary for me to have a wonderful, blessed weekend. It's having my kids with me, spending time with them and enjoying their company that matters the most. So Saturday we took my friend's daughter shopping so she could buy her mom a birthday/Mother's day present and then we bought a new guinea pig for my youngest dd and later that evening we went to dinner together. We spent Sunday, Mother's Day, cleaning the house and doing laundry. Doesn't sound like fun and to a 7 and 9 year old, it's not fun. But that's what I wanted for Mother's Day...help with mundane chores. Oh, my kids help some anyway. But they really helped yesterday. They even bathed the dogs without my asking. At one point yesterday, I had a little pity party as neither girl told me Happy Mother's Day or anything and then I thought about not even having a card(except my 7 year old brought home a card from school and a little plant Friday) and I thought what mother cooks 3 meals, cleans and does laundry on Mother's Day. But you know, the pity party soon faded as I realized that I had the best gift of all, 2 healthy, beautiful girls and their unconditional love. I hate when I allow myself to forget that. I don't need "things" to feel loved and I'm not sure why that doubt or feeling creeped in yesterday but it left quickly and thank goodness it did.

I thought about children who don't have mothers to share that day with. I thought about mothers who are without their children on that day(or any day). I realized how lucky I truly am. Sometimes unspoken words and love have to be enough.

And though I am a day late, I hope every day is a happy day for all mothers. I hope my own mother feels loved by me all the time. I've made it a goal to be a better daughter. My mom has major health problems and is suffering daily now. I know I may not always have her with me to share laughs and tears with. So I treasure the time I do have and beg for just one more day with her. But life can change in the blink of an eye. Whether it's my mom, my kids or myself, anything can happen. So instead of pity parties about unspoken words, I want to remember that actions speak louder than words. And in that case, I am one loved girl, one loved mom and one loved friend. I hope my actions allow my mom, my daughters, my family and my friends to feel loved always.

Things I love about my Mom:

She's kind, loving and caring. She loves her family and tries so hard to take care of them. She's always there for me when I need her. I can call at 2:00 p.m. or 2:00 a.m. and she has a listening ear. She loves animals. She never wants to burden others with her problems. She can be feisty when she wants to be. She recognizes mistakes she's made and tries to not make them again. She's gone through many hard times in her life and still came out a survivor. My mom is LOVE.

Things I love about my oldest daughter:

She is sympathetic and empathetic. She can't stand to see anyone get their feelings hurt. She's kind and loving. She's a caregiver. She's a peacemaker. She's smart. She's funny. She's beautiful. She thinks her mom is the smartest person she's ever met! She has the biggest heart of any 9 year old I know. She knows how to be a friend to people of all ages. She's forgiving and understanding. She's a great big sister. She's a great daughter. My oldest daughter is LOVE.

Things I love about my youngest daughter:

She's energetic and silly. She's loving and kind. She loves animals. She's smart. She loves to make people laugh. She's beautiful and has the most beautiful blond curls. She's a follower but yet she stays true to herself. She dares to be different. She's patient. She loves her mom! She loves her family. She's a great daughter and a great little sister. She's very generous. She's artistic. She's genuinely sweet. My youngest daughter is LOVE.

I hope everyone feels as happy and blessed with their life as I do.

Because I Can

tag1114 | 11 May, 2008 21:26

Because I can, I will work hard at being a better mother.

Because I can, I will be the best daughter I can be.

Because I can, I will learn to love me.

Because I can, I will live life as though it's my last day.

Because I can, I will treasure my friends.

Because I can, I will learn to trust again.

Because I can, I will believe in love.

Because I can, I will allow myself to have fun.

Because I can, I will look at the world through my kid's eyes.

Because I can, I will.

Live. Laugh. Love.

tag1114 | 04 May, 2008 14:42

Most anyone that knows me well, knows that I'm a sucker for quotes. I LOVE quotes. I have no idea why or where this love affair started but it's part of me.

So Live. Laugh. Love. One of my favorites. I'm even contemplating a tattoo on my ankle with 3 butterflies, respresenting myself and my 2 daughters and symbols for those 3 words. I'm still contemplating it though. I was going to get it for my 40th birthday but time and other things factored into my not getting it. Now I'm still thinking, almost 6 months later.

I remind myself everyday how thankful I am to be alive. Living in each moment is a good thing. I try to never take for granted anything, anyone in my life. I just remember to Live.

Laughing is important and it really helps with the living part! My best friend makes me laugh all the time. My kids make me laugh when I least expect to. I even laugh at myself often. I cannot imagine life without laughter. When life gets tough, I Laugh.

Love is the most important thing for me in life. I have so many people to love. My parents, my 2 beautiful daughters, friends and other family members, pets. But sometimes I forget to love me. I find that a difficult part of this life. I keep reminding myself to freely share Love.

These 3 words, seemingly small words, inspire me each day. I think about them. These words command me. They're positive reinforcement.

So yes today I will Live, Laugh and Love. Tomorrow I will do the same. I hope next week I share my life, laughter and love with my friends and family. And next year at this time, I hope I'm still able to Live. Laugh. Love.

Questions and daily ponderings

tag1114 | 03 May, 2008 00:27

It seems that I have so many questions on various topics, about life in general really but so few answers. I don't know if I'll ever find answers, I don't even know if answers are available to my questions. Many questions are more thoughts about life, why things happen the way they do, if things will happen in the future. Many questions will seem silly or crazy to most but hey, it's my life and my questions and I never denied being silly or crazy! So here are some of my questions:

Is it possible to be truly in love with a person and fall out of love with them? Or was it just that you were never really in love?

If someone betrays you is it possible to completely trust people again?

Why do people lie?

Why do we fear certain things in life?

Is change really a good thing like people say?

Why can't we see into the future? Wouldn't it make life better, easier and more managable?

Do other people hate to be embarrassed as much as I do?

Why are some people so confident, strong and outgoing while others are shy and hard to get to know?

Why are there so many different religions? And how do you know if one is better than another?

Is it possible to be spiritual and not religious?

When a heart is broken does it ever completely heal?

Why do people carry hate for other people around for so long?

Is being too nice to people a bad thing?

Why do people think it's ok to take advantage of other people?

Why do some people have no passion about anything in their life?

Do people use circumstances in their life as an excuse to not work, not pay their bills or take care of things?

Do lazy people bother anyone except me?

Why do parents not complement their kid's hard work more often?

Why are some parents not involved in anything their child does?

Why do I have so many questions?

I have plenty more questions but will stop that ever growing list now. I think my life may be one big question. And maybe one day I will find answers to at least some of my questions. Until then I will continue to think, ask, wonder and question things in life, things around me, people, feelings and even decisions I make. Yes so many questions in life are just awaiting an answer!

Very Random Thoughts

tag1114 | 17 April, 2008 19:36

Life has been busy. That's a good thing for me.

I bought a new purse today. So cute, so NOT me, in my least favorite color, yellow. I LOVE IT. How weird is that? Maybe I'm embracing the inner yellow in myself!

Speaking of colors, blue is my favorite and yet I don't like blue cars. Why? I am weird, huh?

One of my biggest wishes as a child was to have the 64 ct. Crayola crayons with the built in sharpener. I finally got those, around 3rd grade. I carefully took each crayon out, read the color, chose my favorite colors based on the names, though I cannot remember what my favorite was. I returned each crayon to the same place it had been and cherished those 64 crayons until the day I had to peel the paper off of them to sharpen them. They were ruined and I felt like crying.

Publix whipped cream, (you know the kind in the can that you can spray out pretty little designs on top of your strawberries), is the B.E.S.T. YUMMMMMO! Not the lite, fat free kind, the real fattening, heavy whipped cream. I tried Walmart's brand...yuk.

My ex husband is a jerk. But I make him think he's the king. You know they say keep your friends close and your enemies closer. There is a reason for that. It took a divorce for me to figure out what that REALLY meant.

My 2 girls will be testing for their orange belt in karate in a couple of weeks. I'm so proud of them.

I'm pale and need a tan. I do not tan easily though. I think I'll go to a tanning bed. Does anyone really believe they cause cancer? I do but doesn't everything cause cancer now?

My kids think yelling at each other is an extra cirricular activity. It annoys me.

My friend makes me laugh all the time. She doesn't even mean to be funny most of the time. I think we're really related and just don't know it. We're so much alike.

Did I mention my ex is a jerk? Oh I think I did. Can you tell he pissed me off today?

I need to exercise.

I don't want to exercise but after the Publix whipped cream with strawberries, I really should exercise.

Today is Thursday. That means the weekend is almost here and I'm very ready for it.

Have a great Friday and beautiful weekend everyone~~

Name that....

tag1114 | 10 April, 2008 20:39

MUSCLE!

So last night I finally gave into a friend's request and joined her at the karate studio for a kickboxing lesson. And as expected, today I've discovered muscles in places that I didn't know muscles existed. Last night I was hot, a bit sweaty, a little weak and oh so tired but not sore and most importantly not dead after the 1 hour lesson. This morning, I woke up, feeling great. I had a couple of places that reminded me they were there but overall I felt good. And this afternoon my body betrayed me, laughed loudly at me as it became sore little by little. Now I will admit that I'm not as sore as I thought I would be. I'm actually proud of myself for having the courage to take my 40 year old behind into that class and show my lack of coordination, lack of skill and patience and lack of tolerance to heat and sweat. I made the entire hour. Of course, the instructor was kind to me, only making me do 5 push ups when everyone else did 10, only making me do 5 buddy sit ups instead of 10 and allowing me to take it easy if I needed to. And oh yes, I needed to! Now I'm told he does everyone that way on their first day. Guess I'm not so special. Today I tried to do some exercies on my own but the motivation was just not there....or was that just my sore body saying "NO"? Either way, I didn't do a 1 hour work out. I really was determined to continue this routine at home. I didn't want to make extra trips to the studio as it's not close to my home and I'm already there at least twice a week for my kids' karate lessons. Also, I don't really have the extra $100 a month for this. So I thought it would be easy to just do it at home. All the cardio, kickboxing and other exercises are do-able at home. But what's not available in my home is the motivation, the other people to "answer" to, the instructor reminding me to keep my hands up, punch harder or kick higher. I never knew that having someone to work with while exercising would be so rewarding. I've always liked exercising or working out alone because I don't want to show my weaknesses. But I've changed my viewpoint. I realized last night that others have weaknesses or limitations just like I do. And that the motivation, the support you get from others is vital, at least for me. Maybe I'll keep doing what I can at home and maybe one day I'll be able to join a program. It really was fun and I cannot believe I'm saying that. I've never liked to exercise but I did enjoy this!

Here's a link to the program:

http://www.daviddeaton.com/execufit.html

STANDARDS

tag1114 | 29 March, 2008 13:00

I’m at an in between time in my life. It feels odd, exciting, and very weird; it makes me feel nervous and giddy, sometimes all at the same time. I’m at a point where I’m ready to trust, believe and fall in love again. But I’m picky, too picky probably. I look around at men that would be in my acceptable age range and just say “blech”. They’re either extremely ugly, larger than a house, filthy dirty, drive a car that looks like a tank, have children that seem a little too strange to me or all of the above. I try so hard to not judge a person just on outward appearance. I can overlook some extra weight, god knows I have my own and I can overlook the fact that a man isn’t Mr. Universe or the next underwear model. Yes I realize that at this age, my choices are limited. I’m ok with that to some degree. I would rather have a nice, genuine guy who’s not super model material than to have the best looking, best built man in the world who cares about nothing. But where this gets difficult is, I’m vain…simply put….I’m vain. To think about being with a man that has one eye missing, who’s deaf or blind, who weighs 500 lbs. or drives a 1970 rust mobile, frightens the hell out of me. Are those my only choices? If so, would I be better off to be alone? But beyond the vanity, I’m scared. I’m scared of rejection. I’m afraid of being hurt again so soon after all that’s happened. I’m afraid to trust a man. I’m afraid…of love…of loss…of hurt….I’m really afraid that I will learn to care for a man, we’ll try to have a relationship but it won’t work out. I know that’s part of life and without the risk of loss, I may never find love. But it’s such a difficult journey. I don’t even know where or how to begin. Another strange part of this journey is that I’m learning things about myself that seem strange(no smart remarks about everyone knowing I was strange!). So I’ve always known that I like men with dark hair, I prefer brown or blue eyes, I like men who are tall but my definition of tall is just taller than me(ha)! But what I didn’t know is how much a man’s hands tell about him. Oh.My.God. I looked at a man that I find somewhat attractive and nice and realized that his hands are sensual….really….they’re masculine, manly but well manicured…again oh.my.god. I never knew that hands could be a turn on for me. Crazy? Yes! But whatever does it for a person. I like a man who’s a little mysterious. I don’t know why but maybe it’s the thrill of trying to figure him out. I like trying to figure out if he’s married, has a girlfriend, has kids, what type of work he does. It makes me feel strange because why did I never know this about myself before now? I think my fascination of not knowing a man totally, is really insecurity. I think if I know too much, maybe I won’t be interested. Maybe I’ll find out that he’s really an alcoholic, a pervert, has been married 10 times or that his last job was a work release program. Yes I’m scared…..too death…..of moving forward….afraid I’ll compare what I had to what I may get……afraid no one will ever measure up to my crazy standards…..afraid my kids’ lives will be ruined by a bad decision I make….afraid others will think I’m settling….afraid of my own decision to “settle”…..it’s a difficult time in my life. And yet it’s kind of fun. But I’m rather shy when it comes to men, especially if I’m really interested. Again, I really don’t know what I want right now. Oh yes, I have a “type” and I have standards and I’m vain and picky but I also remind myself to judge a person from the inside-out. I just hope I always remember that because maybe the person that’s perfect for me will not be good looking, will not be stable financially, will not meet every one of my expectations but maybe that person will be loving, kind, emotionally and mentally stable, will want the same kind of life that I want and most importantly will except me for ME, will love my kids and will want to share our lives. Maybe….

Some days it’s just easier to go on with day to day life, to live with myself and no one else. Some days I don’t want the emotions that come with trying to bring a new person into my life. Some days I like living as a single woman. But then, there are those times, those days when I know male companionship would be good, I long for it. There are days when my heart opens up, softens up and realizes that there’s someone for everyone in the world. There are days where I feel I can trust and love again. And then following those days, there’s the fear again. So yes this time in my life is a bit confusing, a bit strange and yet a bit exciting. Possibilities, the unknown and the simple joy of finding THE MAN for me is just strange. But onward I move…into the future…into the unknown, full of fear and giddiness, full of laughter and possibly tears. Future, I look forward to you. I look forward to seeing what you have to offer, seeing which road you take me down and whether I have a pot of gold at the end or an annoying leprechaun. Future, please be nice to me. I really don’t like leprechauns!